1, 2, 3...A,B,C...Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas

Patterns. Patterns are critical. Patterns are predictable, scientific, reliable, and play a very important role in all life. I think all humans pick up on patterns as infants subconsciously but when and if you ever bring the patterns you witness to a conscious level of thinking, I am certain your life will change and you will become closer to your optimal level of happiness.

I explained in my first blog that this blog is all about me and for me so I share this with all of you understanding that. I was a girl of pattern. I recognized patterns from a young age but never knew how to deal with them or why it would make a difference in my life. It started as a very innocent obsession, almost even expected, but it definitely changed my life.

At the beginning of every school year I would get an assignment notebook for school. Yes, it was on the required "supply list," but I never wrote a single assignment down instead at the bottom left of every single day, I wrote a number. A countdown to be specific. A countdown for Christmas, a countdown for my Birthday, a countdown for Spring Break and a countdown for summer break and each day I cross the day off and grow more and more excited for whichever event was nearing.

Much to my surprise, each event came and at the conclusion of the event, I would be sad. Now I use the word "sad" and you may all be thinking, "well duh, we're all sad that certain things come and go," but I was really sad. I remember becoming obsessed with the reality that, "this time yesterday it was Christmas and now it's gone," "this time yesterday my whole family was at my house and we were all having fun, ect. ect." The problem was I never felt like I had the right to be sad, I didn't realize all this until way after the fact but I remember, FOR SURE, not feeling like I could ever act sad. I was funny, happy-go-lucky, care-free, laid back, this was my reputation and I was not about to lose that. Nobody would ever know that I was sad, heck nobody would believe me even if I told them I was. So I pressed on.

I will say here that yes I was sad but not debilitated. I could move on and I did but I still could not help the way I felt and the obsession I had with trying to relive certain events with "this time yesterday, or this time last week..." This happened year after year. The sadness didn't though, I would get over it and get myself pumped up for the next big event. The even would come and almost immediately after..most of the time that same day, I would lay in bed after the exciting day and ruminate over the fact that its over and that this time yesterday it hadn't even started.

I also remember hearing these comments on a daily basis, "Not today Ang," "We'll have to think about it," "I'm not ready today," "Today isn't a good day," "Maybe tomorrow," "We're to busy today Ang," I accepted all of these, sometimes with a fight, but at the end of the day, I accepted them and just learned that, in more times than not, today was not a good day.

In high school I got my first job and learned a lot about money. Now if you know my dad, you know that all of us "Kinney girls" are survivors of several lectures and lessons regarding money. During this time I learned about credit cards and interest rates, promotions, marketing of financial schemes and these conversations all started and ended with doing NOTHING today. Don't pay for 90 days, 12 months no interest, No down payment, Pay nothing for 3 years, and the ever enticing, try the product for 30 days free.

Though these comments may seem unrelated, I promise, if you had your coffee today and can get through the entire blog, you will see how they relate.

I started realizing that it wasn't just me who often "wished away" days, but our entire society does this. We are all afraid of today. Nobody wants to make a decision today. Today is so close, so relevant, so near, so sudden and it is so uncomfortable for us. As a kid, an entire day is a long time and we think all decisions should be made within seconds but as we grow up we become so uncomfortable with the now that we simply put it off. We put it on credit cards, we put it on our "to do" list, we put it on our 5 year plan, we put it somewhere so that we don't have to think about it, not today.

We all watch the news, we all read the newspaper, we all understand that people are 100% healthy and get T-boned and die instantly. I have seen it in the ED when a patient walks in complaining of vague symptoms and goes pulseless while his wife parks the car. I talked to a guy at 3pm one day in April of 2005 only to hear on the 10 o'clock news that he died instantly on his motorcycle. But this time yesterday they were here, this time yesterday they were with their families, this time last week they were writing their "to do list," and saying to their kids, "not today honey."

Now I am not saying that we need to become compulsive and obsessed with the reality that today could be your last. I am, in no way, prepared to tell you that I "Live like I'm dying," despite the fact that I know I am as we all are. But can we learn from these patterns? Yes, I know we can because I have. I am not asking you or anyone to expect imminent death but what I can offer and can attest to is challenging yourselves to make time for today. Continue to be excited for the "big days" but be excited for today too. Find ways to make you happy today and not just the happy we all expect--but happy we don't expect.

I think we all let ourselves off the hook on this. I am pretty certain that you all are thinking "I am so happy to have my children here," or "I am so happy to have my husband," "I am so happy to have a job," "I am so happy to have friends, family, clothes, food." These are all good things, great things, I mean fantastic things that make us happy but they are expected of you and me. You expected to wake up today and have your kids there. You expect to go to bed and have your spouse there. You are expected to come home to a house and to have food in the kitchen to make dinner but the challenge is to find happiness in the unexpected things. This is a challenge because it makes us be aware, more conscious, more willing to slow down and see things the way they sit today. It challenges us to look at nature, strangers, and art and we don't have time for that....

Own today. Own your decisions that you make today. Instead of creating a massive "to do" list, DO the "to do list," and stop being scared of today. Today is a good day. Today is today. You have to be happy today even if today isn't Christmas or your birthday or your anniversary, or your wedding. Today IS valid and I promise if you are happy today you will be happy on Christmas and furthermore you won't be laying there in bed Christmas night saying to yourself, "this time yesterday."

I'm out peeps.
ak^3

Whhhammmy

Hi, couple things to "clean up" here, people keep suggesting that I write a book--a funny, inspirational book..well here's the deal people...I know for a fact that I will never be a best selling author. I know this for a few reasons.

1- I am not a pro athlete
2-I am not a wife of a political leader who cheated on me.
3- I was not abused as a child.
4- I did not get away with murder.

So back off, I will never be a best selling author...I'm not even a "best selling" blogger, I've had one comment in the last 18 post...I should be embarrassed. I should never sign on to this account again.

Second thing: Straight talk with AK----

People suggested to me that they could not move half way across the country w/o a job because their friends, family, co-workers, and peers would think that they were crazy....ok.

So we'll call this person GL. GL cannot change jobs, move to a different city, have a 5th baby, or go to the grocery store late at night because she is afraid of what people will think. Here is what I did for GL, I went to her parents and asked her mom what she thinks about everyday "Work, my sick mother, my anniversary coming up, selling the house, my grocery list, and what I will make for dinner." (Notice, she does not think about GL) Similar responses from her dad, her friends, and her co-workers....To sum it up..people don't think about you, people don't care what you do or how you do it..and if they are truly concerned for you, they are for, on average, 4 minutes at a time, those four minutes are commercial breaks, red lights, the period of time right before they fall asleep, and while they wait for their food at a restaurant. So just a lesson--if you find yourself holding back because you feel like people will think badly of you, DON'T, they are not only not thinking badly of you, they aren't thinking of you at all. Get over yourself and do something cool.

ak