North Carolina

I wanted to post this from North Carolina but could not find consistent internet access at the time. Instead, I scribbled a few one liners on several different pieces of Duke paraphernalia in belief that I would update when I could. I know, retrospectively, this update will not be nearly as accurate as it would have been if written immediately but if I remember my mindset I can get close.

I was definitely down. All of the typical fears were present but then it turned debilitating. I became obsessed with feeling hopeless. I felt convinced that I couldn't get a job in the Duke Health System and that alone was worrisome to me. I felt starred at and embarrassed. I felt like everyone knew that I wasn't a student and wondered why I was in the student center for a half dozen hours each day. My "perfect" apartment prospect was determined, by me, to be untouchable related to the price and practicality. I felt broke and worried that I had worked so hard to save money for nothing. I was searching for a change of mood and even contemplated buying a tall adult beverage to see if that would initiate a change of mood, but I didn't. I was begging for the "cocky," "confident", "positive," AK to come out of nowhere and slain the the Angela that would make it nowhere.

I write a lot, not on this blog, but in general. A lot of times I start with writing, "My name is Angela Kinney but that says nothing about me." I wrote that almost involuntarily this time and found it to be most relative due to my location and the distance between where my name would at least be recognized. I always find it helpful to write in the opposite mindset that you are currently feelings...actually this was a tip I read by James Weldon Johnson. Johnson was later determined to have multiple personality disorder but diagnosis that fall on Axis I are irrelevant to me, especially when evaluating a persons writing style.

I know that I will be a good nurse. I also know that when the opportunity arises Duke Health System will benefit from hiring me....I am notorious for making snacks and offering them to everyone...they will benefit.

I know that I have saved up enough money for several months, almost a year, of conservative living expenses so the feeling of being broke was irrational and can be easily disregarded. Feeling of broke = eradicated.

I know that I graduated Friday and that my transcripts have not even been evaluated. I have not taken NCLEX, and have not been approved for licensure in North Carolina. This being written out, I see and better understand that the fact I don't have a job yet is perfectly normal and shouldn't be too concerning. Feelings of "never getting a job" = justified and normal.

Ok, anyway I guess my point of this particular blog is just how awesome writing is. I went from the feelings described in the first paragraph to walking away with new energy and a new approach. Weird, I really thought I had a great story, post here, and I guess all it amounts to is me thinking that writing is cool...I am a loser!

ha, I'm out people...well maybe pleural isn't appropriate because I think my friend Caroline is the only person who reads these wacky post. Regardless, I'm still going to bed.

AK

Life is just a long continuum of change..AK update

Whether people are just being nice, if if they actually care is irrelevant to me because it offers a perfect blog post.

I am graduating in one week and to prepare for all that comes with that, I quit my full-time job. My "going out" party was provided by the staff in the Mercy ER and was a peanut butter theme...perfect! The spread consisted of scotch-a-roos, NUTTY BARS, peanut butter and bagels, puppy chow, peanut brittle, and a lot more! It was great and at the end of the shift most everyone indicated that they wanted to have some sort of update so here it is people...2 weeks out.

Technical Stuff

1) jobless

2) homeless (effective 5/31)

3) I have a very strategic plan in regards to spacing out the remaining nutty bars that I received at my "leaving" party at work...the plan is they will last at least until 5/1 because my grocery budget for april is expired.

Less Technical Stuff

1) I sleep 9+ hours a night now!

2) I eat three, somewhat balanced, meals at the appropriate time of day and feel amazing!

3) I have ridden over 120 miles on my bike

4) Visited the Amana Colonies! This has been on my "to do" list since December and it was great.

5) Went to Bandanas, a bar-b-que joint, with my parents and was able to enjoy lunch pricing on a SATURDAY (A big deal because I used to only work weekends)

6) Bought a pogo stick and make it a point to get in 50 continuous jumps everyday.

7) Went golfing...kind of.

8) Harassed my dad for some clubs and bought an old big bertha Callaway driver at an auction....380CC....if that means anything to anyone...460CC is the max. allowed legally.

9)Went to Jordan Creek mall for the first time since Christmas...nothing to miss there besides the apparent birth control problem in WDM...geeze, there were a lot of babies and toddlers in that place.

10) Deep cleaned my apartment..I mean deep cleaned. Washed the walls, floors, dusted, moved all the furniture to sweep underneath it, ect. This initiated the next big step I took....bought light bulbs and hangers for the first time. My apartment now has light, but I still utilize my headlamp whenever possible.

Well thats an AK update...

Future plans/travels

May 1-4: NC

objectives:

Find an apartment and sign a lease beginning 6/1

Find a job of any kind (outdoors preferably!) I applied to be a seasonal/part-time grounds crew at Duke University.

Come home and take boards

Learn I pass boards.

Pack my jeep.

Snag some snacks at Dahls and find I-80 E..........

20 hours later, find that same apartment that I signed the lease on and enter and park.

10 guilty pleasures

I assume vulnerability when I discuss my ten guilty pleasures but they serve a very real purpose in my life. The last month has been hectic, working full time, going to school full time, and having to serve 100 hours of preceptorship. Because I am notorious for being a procrastinator the last six weeks, preparing for graduation, have been a challenge and, I believe, permit the utilization of "guilty pleasures." I will list my top ten guilty pleasures in no particular order. If you have not read my first blog, please refer to the ground rules----don't judge me...

1) $5 worth of scratch tickets--I don't really care to ever be rich and I would be embarrassed if I won but they provide me with a sense of excitement and thrill.

2) Taco Johns- 6 pack and a pound....long 12 hour study days get my appetite as good as it ever is and I crave Taco Johns 6 pack and pound. This is almost ALWAYS two meals but I have been known to knock it out in one setting.

3) 2-Liter of Pepsi Max. I rarely buy soda because it is expensive and non-purposeful but in tiring times, knowing that I have a 2-liter of pepsi Max at home waiting for me always gets me pumped up and I find it encouraging.

4) Take 5 candy bar--No real explanation needed, they are just the bomb.

5) Sugar free red bull--I think this was mostly a work thing because I never crave it or want it when I am not at work but I do, fork over the $2.62 for a sugar free red bull every shift...which is bad for the budget but when we are talking about "guilty pleasures," budgets are ultimately ignored.

6) Dahls cafe breakfast, more specifically a giant waffle from Dahls cafe. I used to be a loyal Saturday customer at Dahls because I always had a coupon for $2 off any regular price item...courtesy of of the value books. I loved the nice elderly people and always learned something by sitting and eating breakfast with them...very refreshing.

7) Buying wii games....I love buying, or just getting, new wii games or any games really but sometimes, my conscious breaks down and I choose not to wait for a birthday or Christmas and go buy it STAT.

8) Tan..I know this will surprise some of you but yes, I do spend 12 minutes in a tanning bed twice a month between Nov-April. I believe in "winter blues" and I am certainly not immune. I am an outdoor junkie and I HATE being cold. Tanning helps me during the winter.

9) McDonalds 2 for $1 apple pies. Nothing fancy but I just do love them!

10) backpacks....I am getting better but I am a sucker for, what I think, are "sweet backpacks" and I have several! I do try to rotate them all but I am partial to a few of my favorites...

There you go...ak's guilty pleasures...what are yours?

favorite time of year

Any morning that I can go outside and not be in pain related to the weather is a good day and definitely permits spending extra time outside.

Few thoughts about the awesome weather...

If all winter you swore you'd take a trip to get out of iowa because of the weather...still take it despite the nice weather.

Grilling...

Unless you a seasoned grill master, start the season with hot dogs and polish sausage..don't get a fancy Guy Firrar recipe and set yourself up for a grilling disaster.

If you are "grilling out,"...entertain out. Have outside activities for your guest or your family to do

while the food is being cooked..this adds to the experience and some examples include Bags,

frisbee, playing catch, side walk chalk, ect, ect...

First grill session, go all out...buy the party dip even though it will be gone in 30 minutes and if you

know your guests like certain condiments, buy them.

Spring/Summer vacation...

1Determine your budget.

2Plan a date.

3Only include people that you want to vacation with...don't feel obligated to invite "extras" if you know they will ruin your trip.

4Save a X amount of money each week until that planned date and GO...get out of here...go on a vacation whether your budget allows for a camping trip to Jester Park, a road trip to KC, or a cruise through the Bahamas...set a date and go..and love it..don't be embarrassed because you think your vacation isn't good enough...Remember, mind over mater.

i'm out,

the grill master, AK.......hotdogs and polish tonight.

challenge or bust...

I am preparing and contemplating what the "best answer" is to the question, "what makes you different?"

I have a lot of ideas but none of which are completely satisying to me. First of all according to Myers-Briggs I am an INTJ--a personality type that makes up less than 1% of the world. I want to use that but I also feel like the Myers-Briggs personality test is not always well received especially if interviewed by a skeptic.

I believe I am different because I think of challenges in life as the only way to achieve maximum satisfaction and happiness. I have asked many people what they think of when they think of a challenge and many of them think of it as a nuisance, a phenomena that gets in the way of happiness rather then, what I think it is, a catalyst for happiness.

The greatest gifts I have received in life came in the form of a challenge. There have many times in my life where I have been a loser, an underachiever, an irratant, and noncompliant. There have been times where I choose not to work my hardest, I have been disrespectful and rude to my parents and to others and I have deliberatly choosen to be selfish, unkind, and attention seeking. In every scenario I was challenged to be better. I was challenged and I responded. I was challenged and conditioned. I was challenged and as a result have experienced a happier, and more satisfying life. The same effect that I want to offer people. Every athlete will tell you that if a coach yells at you, it means they see potential in you and want you to be better. Just as in life, if a teacher yells at you and disciplines you for not turning in your homework or not studying for an exam, it means they care about you.

I want to offer the greatest gift, a challenge, everyday. I will be graduate as a registered nurse next month and will seek out job opportunities that allow me to challenge my patients to be the best that they can be that day. I want to be in a position where I can tell them that they are acting in a pathetic way that is not compatible with the life I want for them. I want to reshape the current healthcare model and revisit tradional the "done to death" core values that almost every institute and organized entity operates from and find a home for the core value, challenge. I care about people differently then most. I care about people and their potential.

I am so very disatisfied in the lack of challenges we provide our youth today. In 1605 Sir Francis Bacon warned all people that "knowledge is power" and without knowledge one will die as an unpriviledged slave to your ownself. 1605!!! We knew over 400 years ago the importance of education..we should have this absolutely mastered and all people should be education to the maximum of their potential. Instead we have the brilliant idea that persons can decide for themselves, at the mature age of 16, to drop out of highschool. No child left behind? Another brain-e-ack idea that not only doesn't challenge a person to learn...it slows the progression of everyone else in the class. How does it get this bad? I mean this is really truly bad.

I am different because I believe that knowledge is power and I believe that without your health you have nothing. I am giving myself 10 years. I will get the highest possible degree in nursing and will work tirelessly to make a difference and enfore the importance of challenging each person to be in their best health and to pursue as much education as they can. If in 10 years I feel I have made no difference I will either leave healthcare and buy my dad's business or leave the country.

I am AK and I am different.

March Madness

March is historically my favorite month of the year. In Iowa, it starts getting nice out, it is a true catalyst for summertime, and it means the my two arch nemesis months, January and February, are the furthest away, but mostly I love it because I love march madness.

I love March madness...I love basketball, I love competition and I love the emotion that college basketball brings. I love filling out the brackets. Every year I am sure that I picked all the right upsets and I convince myself that I am right. This year is no different I am sure that I picked all the right teams and that I will win $10,000 and a trip to Meet Dick Vitale in Indianapolis for the final 4. That is just how I think. And by the way I did pick Murray State to upset Vanderbilt!

I love March madness because its unifying. It's a great conversation starter. There isn't anyone who doesn't know that March madness exist. I love it because its exciting and unpredictable. The research is vigor and the analyst are strategic and gifted individuals who get paid to study basketball and assign each team a seed. It is a brilliant tournament and upsets act as evidence to justifying and support playing out each game.

I love the tournament because I can relate so well to it. I feel like all of my life experiences can be assigned to one spot on the bracket. I have been the overrated person in life and let people down. I have been the underdog and have surprised the world. I have been the champion and the loser, the one and done, the forgettable and the unforgettable. I have been the buzzer beater and beaten at the buzzer. I love march madness, I love the phenomena of life, and I love how to two relate.

Kentucky to win the championship. 83-91. It will happen.

Stupid rules are a result of stupid people

In my first blog I went over the ground rules and one of the first rules was that I would blog when I want to blog and never in between. I want to blog tonight.

I want to blog about stupid rules and how stupid rules have affected my life. First I write this assuming that everybody realizes the existence of stupid rules and how they negatively affect their own lives. My biggest problem with stupid rules is that I feel like they are only in existence for one of two reasons...one being the existence of stupid people and two being so that when the stupid rules are broken, the government or whoever implementing the rule can collect a fine.

Stupid rules and how they have negatively affected my life.

1) In my wonderful private grade school and high school, gum chewing was not allowed. This is a stupid rule..it exists for only 2 reasons 1- because a stupid person couldn't find the garbage and instead threw the gum on the ground or stuck it under the desk and 2- so that teachers could collect $5 every time they caught a student chewing gum or offer them, in exchange to paying the fine, a detention where they would get free labor from kids.

2) Students, at all times, had to wear socks..stupid. It exist because a stupid kid didn't wear socks when it was -25 degrees and while waiting for the bus after school got a case of the frost bite and lost 2 toes.

3) Kids, in the state of Iowa, can legally drop out of school when they turn 16! No, when you turn 16 you can drive your parents car to school and back...you can't drop out! This is a stupid rule..and adds to our stupid population. We have enough wack-os with college degrees we certainly can't take care of drop out kids.

4) Having to stop at a red light/stop sign even when nobody is coming. This is a stupid rule...no accident has ever occurred because someone ran a red light when no one was coming. Does this mean we can go, no matter what, when the light is green? See, education is power..not street lights...Humans, well at least those who didn't drop out of school at age 16, should be smart enough to stop when a car/person/thing is in the way and go when no one is coming.

I cannot even calculate just how many hours I spent in detention or JUG (Justice Under God) for breaking these stupid rules. Under no circumstance was my education or safety compromised while breaking these rules.

I just think there are better options to fixing the problems that instigated making the rule in the first place...education is power. Instead of disciplining people who break these rules safely...educate those who broke the rule and either harmed themselves or someone else. Example...educate the kid who lost his 2 toes because of frost bite..don't make it a rule that every student has to wear socks all the time.

I am interested in hearing the rules that you all think are stupid....