North Carolina

I wanted to post this from North Carolina but could not find consistent internet access at the time. Instead, I scribbled a few one liners on several different pieces of Duke paraphernalia in belief that I would update when I could. I know, retrospectively, this update will not be nearly as accurate as it would have been if written immediately but if I remember my mindset I can get close.

I was definitely down. All of the typical fears were present but then it turned debilitating. I became obsessed with feeling hopeless. I felt convinced that I couldn't get a job in the Duke Health System and that alone was worrisome to me. I felt starred at and embarrassed. I felt like everyone knew that I wasn't a student and wondered why I was in the student center for a half dozen hours each day. My "perfect" apartment prospect was determined, by me, to be untouchable related to the price and practicality. I felt broke and worried that I had worked so hard to save money for nothing. I was searching for a change of mood and even contemplated buying a tall adult beverage to see if that would initiate a change of mood, but I didn't. I was begging for the "cocky," "confident", "positive," AK to come out of nowhere and slain the the Angela that would make it nowhere.

I write a lot, not on this blog, but in general. A lot of times I start with writing, "My name is Angela Kinney but that says nothing about me." I wrote that almost involuntarily this time and found it to be most relative due to my location and the distance between where my name would at least be recognized. I always find it helpful to write in the opposite mindset that you are currently feelings...actually this was a tip I read by James Weldon Johnson. Johnson was later determined to have multiple personality disorder but diagnosis that fall on Axis I are irrelevant to me, especially when evaluating a persons writing style.

I know that I will be a good nurse. I also know that when the opportunity arises Duke Health System will benefit from hiring me....I am notorious for making snacks and offering them to everyone...they will benefit.

I know that I have saved up enough money for several months, almost a year, of conservative living expenses so the feeling of being broke was irrational and can be easily disregarded. Feeling of broke = eradicated.

I know that I graduated Friday and that my transcripts have not even been evaluated. I have not taken NCLEX, and have not been approved for licensure in North Carolina. This being written out, I see and better understand that the fact I don't have a job yet is perfectly normal and shouldn't be too concerning. Feelings of "never getting a job" = justified and normal.

Ok, anyway I guess my point of this particular blog is just how awesome writing is. I went from the feelings described in the first paragraph to walking away with new energy and a new approach. Weird, I really thought I had a great story, post here, and I guess all it amounts to is me thinking that writing is cool...I am a loser!

ha, I'm out people...well maybe pleural isn't appropriate because I think my friend Caroline is the only person who reads these wacky post. Regardless, I'm still going to bed.

AK