Girl lies about murder charge to get a date

Onion: Girl lies about murder charge to get a date

We have all heard the phrase, "nice guys finish last." But is this phrase any more true today than when it was first coined in the 1930's by American biologist, Garrett Hardin? One girl risked it all when falsely turning herself in for a murder she never committed. Why'd she do it? We sent reporters to find out...and you will be shocked with what we found out.

AK a 24 year old girl turned herself in for the unsolved murder that occurred in 1975. If you can't figure that out, punch yourself in the throat and get back to your cosmo magazine. We approached AK in her meticulously clean 2 bedroom Durham apartment which she refers to as her sanctuary. The soft spoken confident girl offered us a Capri Sun and answered all of our questions with poise and ease.

Why did you admit to a murder that you absolutely could not have committed? "Oh, you guys are hear to talk about that? I did it for game.

Game? "Yes, you know dating game. See I want to be in a relationship with someone, I want to have friends and after trying for so long I finally figured out what my problem was. I am to nice. People don't want to date nice people, people like the asshole so I made up a story about how I murdered someone."

"I would have never thought about it before I watched an episode of "Prison Wives." A show about convicted murders and their attempts to find love outside of prison by writing letters and communicating via telephone and supervised visits. I watched this and at first was very disturbed and sad. I had just become ok with the idea that women with IQs of less than 120 were finding love and getting married, I wasn't prepared to see that convicted murders were finding love. So I had a choice, be disturbed and sad or use this as an opportunity. I obviously chose the latter or you wouldn't be here right now."

The whole world is wondering, has it worked? "Oh hell yes, I can't even describe to you how this has affected my dating life. It now actually exist. The world is changing in a sad sad direction and since becoming part of that sad sad direction, my dating life has improved 100 fold. "

What do your friends and family say, "At first, they thought I had gone crazy and tried to commit me but after they thought about it for a few minutes they knew that I was only doing what I had to do for myself. They often told me that I needed to be mean more otherwise people would take advantage of me. In fact, all my friends and co-workers have always told me that. I was just not ready yet."

And what made you ready? "hahaha, good question, I have just been dumped to many times. I still expect to be dumped a lot more times but at least now I will never have to hear the lamest excuse ever, "your just to nice for me."

Thank you for your time. And welcome to world of assholes. You might want to rethink your super nintendo poster if you want to bring any of your dates home with you. And then AK kicked us both in the shins and we walked out.