I come to the computer tonight with a heavy heart. Unemployed Angela was declared dead today at 1302. The cause of death listed on her death certificate is a very rare condition called "Duke fever."
Unemployed AK had no enemies and will be missed by many. She will be missed for her laid-back, nonchalant attitude, her 24/7 availability, and her knack for looking busy when she had absolutely nothing to do. Do not be sad though my friends, I can tell you that unemployed AK spent her final days doing what she loves--riding her bike, staying up late, sleeping in, eating only snacks all day, watching documentaries, driving around aimlessly, being awkward in bars, blogging, playing her Wii and her board games. Unfortunately there was simply not enough free time, late nights, parties, vacations, snacks, video games, or reality TV to save her.
Though her death was not sudden. I can look back and pinpoint exactly when things began to look grim. Though unemployed AK's parents and siblings admit to noticing all the signs and symptoms of the rare Duke fever when she was young, they said that they never believed it would ultimately take her life.
"Looking back, I think I could have done more but all of her doctors/teachers/and friends assured us it would not be fatal and instead a phase that she was going through. As a mother, you just hope you are doing the right things but unemployed AK was so different from the other girls. She didn't take discipline, you could not tell the child no, she became obsessed with being the best, she was so competitive in everything....her dad and I even thought she had the ADD, never would we have guessed it would be the Duke fever."---unemployed AK's mom
All the signs where there but nothing could prepare her family for the series of events that would unravel starting in June. Her dad says that looking back, it was not until June when he realized that she was going downhill. "She refused to let her mom and I travel to NC with her and instead packed up her stuff and drove off to NC, I wish I could have said something but just by looking at her I knew that my words would not be heard, there was no telling her no at this point. It was this day when I knew we were going to lose her."
Things got worse, June 28th unemployed AK received a call and scheduled an appointment for July 2nd, Interview day. After the results came back from the interview and she was asked to come back the next week, I knew in my heart that she was gone. But still getting the official word is emotional and shocking.
Ha, hi guys just wanted to say that yes, all the rumors are true....I got a job at Duke University Medical Center in the oncology/radiology department....start date Aug. 16th!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Can not help it.
Hi, I apologize for my latest obsession with the Onion and trying to be as create as the real Onion writers--Reading the Onion everyday is one of only two things that still makes it worth living, the second of course being the collaborative effort of chips + dip.
Alright, feels good to be just me again after all this blog is supposed to be all about me. My latest fixation is human behavior. I have learned that the first step in changing any particular behavior is first acknowledging it. Per text, I should be able to identify my negative behaviors and change them...well I'll tell you what this is the dumbest theory I have ever heard and I believe that I have single-handedly disproven this theory. Because I am so evidence-based, I will offer my evidence that will show you that this theory is not accurate.
Zits/pimples/acne/gross stuff on my face---Something I wake up to everyday. Now I am not the "pimply kid," and I certainly do not employee "lunch lady" acne---oh come on, you know...the skin tags...on the neck? What? were ya'l home schooled or something? This phenomena-this growing creature on my face is my first evidence: See I know I should not pick, obsess, worry, touch, apply makeup on, manipulate in any way, cover my face in ketchup, put peanut butter on my zits, or even allow myself to think about what is growing on my face. I have listened to more than one late night informercial related to skin care and know very well that I should not do ANYTHING besides clean my face. Well, I have a secret--I am confident that since the evolution of acne on my face, I have never had a zit that I was able to resist touching at least one during its existence. I know the behavior is wrong--I know it makes it worse but I cannot change it. In fact, I feel like ever since acknowledging this behavior, I've gotten worse...I will touch it and know its wrong, then I will try to destroy all evidence of me touching it so i'll apply foundation, then I'll realize that makes me look even worse, so I scrub the foundation off, while taking the foundation off, I irritate the skin around it and now its itching...I know I shouldn't touch it--but i'm not stopping now..fuck it, i've already relapsed and plus i'm on a mission--to disprove a theory. I scratch, scratch, scratch...awesome....now i'm bleeding, yes bleeding. Mission accomplished....take take psychotherapist....another one of the UN-EM-ployyyed.
Toothpaste---behavior: refusing to buy toothpaste unless I have already suffered from at least 3 episodes of severe hand cramps related to getting the last drop of toothpaste out of the tube and onto the brush. There is no reason I should ever find myself in this situation but I do...every time...can't change.
Scabs/callus/blister--Again, never had one of these that I have been able to leave alone and let heal in the appropriate fashion. Neosporin and a bandaid?.... Maybe for a minute and usually not before I do my own investigation on the injury. Can't change...Know its bad, acknowledge it, and can't do nothing about it.
Q-tips--weapons of mass ear drum destruction? Buy them in balk and use them daily, sometimes twice.
Speeding while driving? Dangerous. Related in 89% of fatal accidents. I know I shouldn't do it but I ALWAYS do it, well I follow the ABC rule...always besides cops. Can't change. I know its bad. I acknowledge the negative behavior.
Help me disprove this theory...think of at least one thing that you do, that you know you shouldn't, but you can't help. You can leave a comment, I promise the comment button won't bite, cause bodily harm, or initiate a virus on your system so don't be scared.
simple ak
Alright, feels good to be just me again after all this blog is supposed to be all about me. My latest fixation is human behavior. I have learned that the first step in changing any particular behavior is first acknowledging it. Per text, I should be able to identify my negative behaviors and change them...well I'll tell you what this is the dumbest theory I have ever heard and I believe that I have single-handedly disproven this theory. Because I am so evidence-based, I will offer my evidence that will show you that this theory is not accurate.
Zits/pimples/acne/gross stuff on my face---Something I wake up to everyday. Now I am not the "pimply kid," and I certainly do not employee "lunch lady" acne---oh come on, you know...the skin tags...on the neck? What? were ya'l home schooled or something? This phenomena-this growing creature on my face is my first evidence: See I know I should not pick, obsess, worry, touch, apply makeup on, manipulate in any way, cover my face in ketchup, put peanut butter on my zits, or even allow myself to think about what is growing on my face. I have listened to more than one late night informercial related to skin care and know very well that I should not do ANYTHING besides clean my face. Well, I have a secret--I am confident that since the evolution of acne on my face, I have never had a zit that I was able to resist touching at least one during its existence. I know the behavior is wrong--I know it makes it worse but I cannot change it. In fact, I feel like ever since acknowledging this behavior, I've gotten worse...I will touch it and know its wrong, then I will try to destroy all evidence of me touching it so i'll apply foundation, then I'll realize that makes me look even worse, so I scrub the foundation off, while taking the foundation off, I irritate the skin around it and now its itching...I know I shouldn't touch it--but i'm not stopping now..fuck it, i've already relapsed and plus i'm on a mission--to disprove a theory. I scratch, scratch, scratch...awesome....now i'm bleeding, yes bleeding. Mission accomplished....take take psychotherapist....another one of the UN-EM-ployyyed.
Toothpaste---behavior: refusing to buy toothpaste unless I have already suffered from at least 3 episodes of severe hand cramps related to getting the last drop of toothpaste out of the tube and onto the brush. There is no reason I should ever find myself in this situation but I do...every time...can't change.
Scabs/callus/blister--Again, never had one of these that I have been able to leave alone and let heal in the appropriate fashion. Neosporin and a bandaid?.... Maybe for a minute and usually not before I do my own investigation on the injury. Can't change...Know its bad, acknowledge it, and can't do nothing about it.
Q-tips--weapons of mass ear drum destruction? Buy them in balk and use them daily, sometimes twice.
Speeding while driving? Dangerous. Related in 89% of fatal accidents. I know I shouldn't do it but I ALWAYS do it, well I follow the ABC rule...always besides cops. Can't change. I know its bad. I acknowledge the negative behavior.
Help me disprove this theory...think of at least one thing that you do, that you know you shouldn't, but you can't help. You can leave a comment, I promise the comment button won't bite, cause bodily harm, or initiate a virus on your system so don't be scared.
simple ak
Monsanto and Tyson merge
Simple Onion
Today Monsanto, a U.S.-based multinational agricultural biotechnology corporation, declares its agreement with Tyson Foods, the world's largest processors and marketers of chicken, beef and pork.
The merge comes after an extensive three day study with one of Monsantos newest breed of seeds. They found that the new seed actually biochemically altered the genetic makeup of several chickens at one of Tyson's chicken farms. The seed specifically alters the chicken's heart--so much that they believe that the chicken's heart can be successfully transplanted into a human body.
Monsanto's general manager sits with us and states,"this is great news, a true revolution, a changing day in America." The three day study was so signficant that the FDA did not have to do any further research to approve the use of these chicken's hearts for human transplants.
A member of the FDA comments that, "It would be stupid to delay patient care by performing more research, plus it would cost a lot of money and it is possible with enough research, it would be determined that this would not save the lives of humans, and it would instead kill them. I mean face it, if you fight a good thing long enough, it could become bad and well I just don't think that is necessary. Plus, besides my responsibilities at FDA, I am also the president of Monsanto and I believe in the product and the research that has already been done."
It is expected that heart transplants could begin immediately, as soon as next week. To warn off speculation and concern, the citizens of the United States should know that extensive training will be offered to any and all surgeons before they are allowed to complete a transplant. Americans should be comforted that this training will consist of at one four hour online course and surgeons will not considered certified or competent until they complete the ten question multiple choice exam at the end of the presentation.
I caught up with one patient who has been on a heart transplant list for 17 hours and expected to die if he does not receive a heart within the next two days. His wife spoke for him. "I admit, I was a little skeptical at first but after hearing that the surgeons will have to take a training course and pass an exam certaintly erased all fear. I just want my husband back so when the story broke, I immediately contacted my husband's cardiologist and told him the story. He was immediately interested. Within minutes he was in my husband's room talking about the procedure. He is so dedicated, such a wonderful doctor and man. He said he would have to review the course and pass the exam before they would send him the chicken heart. Being the dedicated doctor he is, he immediately pulled his iPhone out and downloaded the course. Within minutes he was done and the chicken heart was on his way. Such a brilliant man, they said it would take hours. I asked him how he could read so fast, thinking he must have learned that in medical school. He said with a gentle smile, oh i'll never forget that smile, he downloaded the Monsanto App that would allow him to skip the course and only answer one question...this really allowed me to see how passionate this doctor was and how he really cared about saving my husband."
A Tyson rep humbly tells that us the original mission of Tyson was to offer poor people the opportunity to eat meat like the rich people. Now, we just keep growing and we can now offer poor people a heart transplant. This really does not go without a lot of hard work and dedication, I'm so proud of the industry and Monsantos willingness to bargain with us.
The official deal between Monsanto and Tyson is not all worked out yet but it will probably include an exchange of Tyson's new honey bar-b-qued wings. Neither part are concerned with the deal though, they are both just concerned with overtaking America's economy and being the only two companies in the world..."That would be awesome," the president of Monsanto tell us.
Today Monsanto, a U.S.-based multinational agricultural biotechnology corporation, declares its agreement with Tyson Foods, the world's largest processors and marketers of chicken, beef and pork.
The merge comes after an extensive three day study with one of Monsantos newest breed of seeds. They found that the new seed actually biochemically altered the genetic makeup of several chickens at one of Tyson's chicken farms. The seed specifically alters the chicken's heart--so much that they believe that the chicken's heart can be successfully transplanted into a human body.
Monsanto's general manager sits with us and states,"this is great news, a true revolution, a changing day in America." The three day study was so signficant that the FDA did not have to do any further research to approve the use of these chicken's hearts for human transplants.
A member of the FDA comments that, "It would be stupid to delay patient care by performing more research, plus it would cost a lot of money and it is possible with enough research, it would be determined that this would not save the lives of humans, and it would instead kill them. I mean face it, if you fight a good thing long enough, it could become bad and well I just don't think that is necessary. Plus, besides my responsibilities at FDA, I am also the president of Monsanto and I believe in the product and the research that has already been done."
It is expected that heart transplants could begin immediately, as soon as next week. To warn off speculation and concern, the citizens of the United States should know that extensive training will be offered to any and all surgeons before they are allowed to complete a transplant. Americans should be comforted that this training will consist of at one four hour online course and surgeons will not considered certified or competent until they complete the ten question multiple choice exam at the end of the presentation.
I caught up with one patient who has been on a heart transplant list for 17 hours and expected to die if he does not receive a heart within the next two days. His wife spoke for him. "I admit, I was a little skeptical at first but after hearing that the surgeons will have to take a training course and pass an exam certaintly erased all fear. I just want my husband back so when the story broke, I immediately contacted my husband's cardiologist and told him the story. He was immediately interested. Within minutes he was in my husband's room talking about the procedure. He is so dedicated, such a wonderful doctor and man. He said he would have to review the course and pass the exam before they would send him the chicken heart. Being the dedicated doctor he is, he immediately pulled his iPhone out and downloaded the course. Within minutes he was done and the chicken heart was on his way. Such a brilliant man, they said it would take hours. I asked him how he could read so fast, thinking he must have learned that in medical school. He said with a gentle smile, oh i'll never forget that smile, he downloaded the Monsanto App that would allow him to skip the course and only answer one question...this really allowed me to see how passionate this doctor was and how he really cared about saving my husband."
A Tyson rep humbly tells that us the original mission of Tyson was to offer poor people the opportunity to eat meat like the rich people. Now, we just keep growing and we can now offer poor people a heart transplant. This really does not go without a lot of hard work and dedication, I'm so proud of the industry and Monsantos willingness to bargain with us.
The official deal between Monsanto and Tyson is not all worked out yet but it will probably include an exchange of Tyson's new honey bar-b-qued wings. Neither part are concerned with the deal though, they are both just concerned with overtaking America's economy and being the only two companies in the world..."That would be awesome," the president of Monsanto tell us.
Monday, July 26, 2010
It wasn't supposed to be like this
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't looking for a commitment, I didn't want anything long term. I had a simple need--a quest rather, and just one. I was looking for the one and done. I was looking to cheat the system when I approached you.
You offered yourself for free, no string attached, you said I could drop you whenever but now I can't. This isn't fair. My dad warned me about you but I believed I was strong. Heck, I'm Angela Kinney, the definition of independent, but you turned me into something else.
Your humor is second to none. The information you provide is like something I have never experienced. Your "thrill factor" is something I now find myself begging for. You now consume me, I think about you often, I can't wait until you show up the very next day. Despite these positive feelings I have for you, I'm stil mad. You changed me and thats not fair.
I used to be strong, independent, and unpredictible but you stripped me of all that and now I find myself weak to you, an inch worm at best. I know my feelings are true but I know you have other girls who are equally in love with you but you make me feel so special, so unique, you cater to my specific needs, you know me, you know what I like, what I don't like and you cater to that. I appreciate this but like I said, it wasn't supposed to be like this.
Everything about this is wrong. I don't have the time for you, I don't have the money for you, and I certaintly don't have the emotional support that I need to deal with all your drama, suspense, and horror. Your so wrong for me. Your Sci-Fi & fantasy is not real nor is it consistent with the way I live. Your dramatic and I'm not...see we're so incompatible so why is it that I find myself wanting you more and more? Maybe it's your convenience...I have needs and you meet them, see it's not about you, its all about me and you put up with that.
I wanted to drop you after the "trial period," but I can't now...now I'm to in love with you. Maybe this is what love really is, maybe it is supposed to hurt, supposed to be financially draining, and time consuming.
Fuck you NetFlix and your scandalous marketing tactics.
You offered yourself for free, no string attached, you said I could drop you whenever but now I can't. This isn't fair. My dad warned me about you but I believed I was strong. Heck, I'm Angela Kinney, the definition of independent, but you turned me into something else.
Your humor is second to none. The information you provide is like something I have never experienced. Your "thrill factor" is something I now find myself begging for. You now consume me, I think about you often, I can't wait until you show up the very next day. Despite these positive feelings I have for you, I'm stil mad. You changed me and thats not fair.
I used to be strong, independent, and unpredictible but you stripped me of all that and now I find myself weak to you, an inch worm at best. I know my feelings are true but I know you have other girls who are equally in love with you but you make me feel so special, so unique, you cater to my specific needs, you know me, you know what I like, what I don't like and you cater to that. I appreciate this but like I said, it wasn't supposed to be like this.
Everything about this is wrong. I don't have the time for you, I don't have the money for you, and I certaintly don't have the emotional support that I need to deal with all your drama, suspense, and horror. Your so wrong for me. Your Sci-Fi & fantasy is not real nor is it consistent with the way I live. Your dramatic and I'm not...see we're so incompatible so why is it that I find myself wanting you more and more? Maybe it's your convenience...I have needs and you meet them, see it's not about you, its all about me and you put up with that.
I wanted to drop you after the "trial period," but I can't now...now I'm to in love with you. Maybe this is what love really is, maybe it is supposed to hurt, supposed to be financially draining, and time consuming.
Fuck you NetFlix and your scandalous marketing tactics.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Healthcare hopeful goes "geek"
The Onion-peeled. REPORT: Healthcare hopeful goes "geek"
Durham, NC--- 23 y/o Angela Kinney, a once inspired nurse now gains national attention doing something she would have never imagined just one year ago. Kinney, whose name was only familiar to a few people outside of her hometown, Des Moines, Iowa, is now a global hero.
After months of attempting to land gainful employment in the healthcare field and no prevail Kinney remembers feeling embarrassed and humbled. "That sounds good but the truth is, I didn't feel anything. I got all doped up, watched TV and ate PB&J three times a day." Just a regular gal with an extraordinary talent.
"The day started like every other day. I woke up, showered, ate breakfast--" Excuse me, can I stop you here? I am just dying to know what a prodigy like you eats for breakfast. There is so much advertising for the best "brain" foods for breakfast. I am sure you know all about the 8 layers and cage-free organic Eggland's best? "Yeah, I have heard of those things, I prefer vodka and skittles." You mean you do the work you do without using the 8 layers? Amazing.
---"After breakfast I went to the library to read a few articles and print some things off. I attempted to open the files on my USB device and the dumb thing would not work." Uh huh, go on... "I was pissed off, I finally got it to work for seconds at a time by positioning it very strategically. I retrieved a few documents, but not all. Being mindful of my recent luck, I did not want to take any chances so I took it to best Best Buy and the geek squad. The gentleman took two butter knifes and a gavel to my USB device, shook his head twice, removed the pencil from behind his ear, scratched his neck, shifted his weight, smiled and said that it was unrepairable."
That must have been so hard. "It was, it was, but it also gave me hope....hope for employment...hope for gainful employment." Do tell...."Well I went across the street to Wal-Mart, walked straight to electronics stole 10 USB devices, PS3, a lap top, 6 iPods, and 4 Garmins. When I got home with the electronics. I set up shop. Oh I forgot a step, I paid the old man greeter $1.50 for his sweet royal blue vest then I went home. Put on the vest and some khakis and jammed out to Papa Roach- "Last Resort," and began working.
First, I made sure that all of the devices worked initially then just one by one I started destroying them---Within 5 hours I had destroyed every electronic that I stole from Wal-Mart and within a day I destroyed every electronic that I could get my hands on. Each destruction was strategic, purposeful, and awesome." You must have felt really empowered? "Oh, I felt more than empowered, I felt alive again, I felt a calling, I couldn't get enough of it....After my 52nd destruction I was convinced that I was the best. Still wearing my vest, I went to Best Buy equipped with my resume.....52 broken electronics. Without saying a word, we shook and that was it."
Kinney's boss tells us his recollection of his first encounter with Angela, "Well it was just very evident that she was far beyond anyone else. She is absolutely right, I did not have to say one word, I just saw her, saw her bag of broken electronics and knew she would be a great addition to our squad. We constantly get comments back about Angela and her dedication to her work. Let me read one of the comments that a client of her's left.
"Angela, geek squad, is by far the best. I brought in my brand new computer and just wanted assistance in installing a new software. Lo and behold she had my computer completely destroyed within minutes of me turning over most prized possession."
Tell me, did you have any hesitation in changing professions? "To be honest, yes. I am a natural leader, I always wanted to be the boss, to be the best, to have power and I worried about this profession giving me enough power to satisfy my needs. I overcame this fear when I realized that it was not just about destroying peoples expensive electronics, but it is more about destroying their life. I have the power to destroy a life time of hard work, a thesis paper due at midnight, and families only pictures of deceased relatives. It was only after I realized this that I knew this career change would be seamless. There is no greater power than being able to destroy these precious documents that are entrusted to me."
Is there a particular destruction that is most meaningful to you? "Not one in particular, they're all inspiring, but see I also have a fantastic ability to read my customers faces and judging a person's facial expression will usually indicate to me how meaningful the destruction will be. For example--I love college-age kids, I know their destruction will be powerful. When customers present to the counter sweating and frantic, those will be good too."
What is the hardest thing to destroy? "Well I am the best, I work for the most elite class of destroyers so there is nothing that me or my squad cannot destroy but some Apple products give us a run, but we ultimately destroy those as well.
There you have it folks. Standing live the worlds most decorated electronic destroyer.
Durham, NC--- 23 y/o Angela Kinney, a once inspired nurse now gains national attention doing something she would have never imagined just one year ago. Kinney, whose name was only familiar to a few people outside of her hometown, Des Moines, Iowa, is now a global hero.
After months of attempting to land gainful employment in the healthcare field and no prevail Kinney remembers feeling embarrassed and humbled. "That sounds good but the truth is, I didn't feel anything. I got all doped up, watched TV and ate PB&J three times a day." Just a regular gal with an extraordinary talent.
"The day started like every other day. I woke up, showered, ate breakfast--" Excuse me, can I stop you here? I am just dying to know what a prodigy like you eats for breakfast. There is so much advertising for the best "brain" foods for breakfast. I am sure you know all about the 8 layers and cage-free organic Eggland's best? "Yeah, I have heard of those things, I prefer vodka and skittles." You mean you do the work you do without using the 8 layers? Amazing.
---"After breakfast I went to the library to read a few articles and print some things off. I attempted to open the files on my USB device and the dumb thing would not work." Uh huh, go on... "I was pissed off, I finally got it to work for seconds at a time by positioning it very strategically. I retrieved a few documents, but not all. Being mindful of my recent luck, I did not want to take any chances so I took it to best Best Buy and the geek squad. The gentleman took two butter knifes and a gavel to my USB device, shook his head twice, removed the pencil from behind his ear, scratched his neck, shifted his weight, smiled and said that it was unrepairable."
That must have been so hard. "It was, it was, but it also gave me hope....hope for employment...hope for gainful employment." Do tell...."Well I went across the street to Wal-Mart, walked straight to electronics stole 10 USB devices, PS3, a lap top, 6 iPods, and 4 Garmins. When I got home with the electronics. I set up shop. Oh I forgot a step, I paid the old man greeter $1.50 for his sweet royal blue vest then I went home. Put on the vest and some khakis and jammed out to Papa Roach- "Last Resort," and began working.
First, I made sure that all of the devices worked initially then just one by one I started destroying them---Within 5 hours I had destroyed every electronic that I stole from Wal-Mart and within a day I destroyed every electronic that I could get my hands on. Each destruction was strategic, purposeful, and awesome." You must have felt really empowered? "Oh, I felt more than empowered, I felt alive again, I felt a calling, I couldn't get enough of it....After my 52nd destruction I was convinced that I was the best. Still wearing my vest, I went to Best Buy equipped with my resume.....52 broken electronics. Without saying a word, we shook and that was it."
Kinney's boss tells us his recollection of his first encounter with Angela, "Well it was just very evident that she was far beyond anyone else. She is absolutely right, I did not have to say one word, I just saw her, saw her bag of broken electronics and knew she would be a great addition to our squad. We constantly get comments back about Angela and her dedication to her work. Let me read one of the comments that a client of her's left.
"Angela, geek squad, is by far the best. I brought in my brand new computer and just wanted assistance in installing a new software. Lo and behold she had my computer completely destroyed within minutes of me turning over most prized possession."
Tell me, did you have any hesitation in changing professions? "To be honest, yes. I am a natural leader, I always wanted to be the boss, to be the best, to have power and I worried about this profession giving me enough power to satisfy my needs. I overcame this fear when I realized that it was not just about destroying peoples expensive electronics, but it is more about destroying their life. I have the power to destroy a life time of hard work, a thesis paper due at midnight, and families only pictures of deceased relatives. It was only after I realized this that I knew this career change would be seamless. There is no greater power than being able to destroy these precious documents that are entrusted to me."
Is there a particular destruction that is most meaningful to you? "Not one in particular, they're all inspiring, but see I also have a fantastic ability to read my customers faces and judging a person's facial expression will usually indicate to me how meaningful the destruction will be. For example--I love college-age kids, I know their destruction will be powerful. When customers present to the counter sweating and frantic, those will be good too."
What is the hardest thing to destroy? "Well I am the best, I work for the most elite class of destroyers so there is nothing that me or my squad cannot destroy but some Apple products give us a run, but we ultimately destroy those as well.
There you have it folks. Standing live the worlds most decorated electronic destroyer.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
How do you know?
How do you know when you are misusing google?
Good question, first of all I will say that google is good but it's not God. Just know that every time you choose google, there is a better option...just not as easy, free, fast, and available. You know you misuse google when you repeatedly get one of two messages, one being the message "0 results," or two being "1-99,999,999 results."
I don't know why this is happening all the time, I swear I do not plan it but it just happens. My mom, yet again makes the blog. My mom is the only person I know that can google something and get "0 results." But before you go swearing off google, know why she gets 0 results.
You just have to know that you can't type full paragraphs into google, it's just not meant for that. Consider this, your family wants to order a pizza, what do you do? Google the name of the place you want. Find the store nearest you. Call and order. 45 minutes your eating your pizza....no, no, no, not when your my mom, not when your misusing google.
Same scenario, ordering pizza. My mom will type in something like this: Where is the best deal for two large pizzas, bread sticks, desert, for delivery. My address is 803 36th st. Name is Jane. First pizza will be all cheese. Second green pepper, sausage, and mushroom. Knock hard, door bell doesn't work. ENTER
0 results.
weirdest part of it all: She looks completely shocked when nothing comes up. She even often goes on to find something/someone to blame for it. "Jack, did you pay the internet bill? For some reason this isn't working," "Laura, why don't you run down stairs and try to reset the router."
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Just Saying...
Yeah, so I do consider myself pretty laid back and relatively "chill." Not stoner chill where you have to, more than once, check the person's pulse to see if their breathing but none the less I consider myself pretty level. I don't have road rage, I don't freak out when a cashier takes their sweet time ringing up each item and if a restaurant messes up my order, I don't throw a huge fit...I will ask for a new plate but I won't demand that it will be free and tell them that I will never be going back. All this being said, I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated with a few things.
Who loves pay at the pump? I love pay at the pump, I remember the day it was first invented and since then I utilize it almost exclusively. But pay at the pump is changing, and I don't like it. It used to be just that, you pay at the pump and your on your way. Today, it's more like answer 10 questions, then pay at the pump, then answer more questions and then go. Maybe I am exaggerating and it's only a few questions but the screen takes so long to recognize your answer that it is so annoying to me. For example now they all ask, "Do you want a car wash?" UM NO.."Do you want to use debit or credit?" I hate this question most because I'll always push debit and it will say something like "option not available, accepting only credit." Hey listen you stupid machine, I didn't create the "options," you offered them and I choose one..sorry my bad..lets start over. "Do you want a car wash?" Credit or Debit? Would you like a receipt? Perhaps you are hungry and would like to try our new $0.99 Taquitos? Made fresh daily. NOOO, I would like to pump and go......like you FUCKING advertise! I am sorry, but this annoys me.
Another annoying thing is I just signed up for a new credit card with Bank of America. The initial process was easy, I even filled out one of those comment cards because I was so impressed. Since getting the card in the mail, a representative calls me almost everyday with new "offers" and rewards that I am eligible for. After I deny all of them, she goes on to tell me that I am taking huge risk without signing up for the fraud protection plan. She says, "I am very vulnerable to being a victim of credit card theft, even saying that without signing up for this fraud protection plan, I will have no support for when my credit card gets stolen." Ok, lady, back up...do you know how dumb you sound? You are telling me that you are going to charge me $6.99/month and that will protect me from being responsible for any charges that I don't make? Hm, see lady I don't have any "fraud protection plan now" but if I noticed a charge on my card that I didn't make, I wouldn't pay it---because thats in my contract and its free. She say's, "So your willing to give up everything to save $6.99/month? I sit and I think about this and can't help but be weirded out. I think about all the people I see who are homeless and/ or really poor and whenever I ask them why they are poor or homeless, I have never once heard "because my credit card was stolen and I didn't spend the $6.99/month so I lost everything. Have you ever heard that? NO...have you heard someone say, "I had just enough money saved for my kids to go to college and then my credit card was stolen and now I have nothing..yeah, nothing just this card board sign and 2 packs of Bronson Lights." "Yup, I was on my way to purchase a swagger wagon when my I noticed my credit card was missing, by the time I called the credit card company, they said I had nothing, and when I got home 12 minutes later, the house was completely empty, and a note hung from the door "You should have spent $6.99/month because your credit card was stolen, we repossessed all of your things and will bull-doze your home at 1600. Needless to say I did not sign up for the fraud plan and would consider calling verizon to change my number if I felt like dealing with them and their automated messages.
Oh and just one more thought..this doesn't really bother me, it is just a fantastic observation I have made. When we think of the "poker face" and how powerful it is, we often think of professional poker players and perhaps some great game show host right? Well I want to offer another population that has, in my opinion, the "best" poker face. Airline flight personel...you know those people that you run to, sweating, and almost in tears...you finally get it out that you missed your flight and are looking to get on the next one. They say a few words, maybe, but mostly just stare at their screen and press buttons. They never make a sound like "eh, um, let's see," They never make even a slight facial expression of either hope or despair. You stand less than 3 feet away from them and cannot, despite your best effort, figure out what they see on that screen or if you will get on another flight. They keep pressing buttons and you keep standing there, tempted to ask something like, "so watcha thinking about," but you don't. You stand there and the anticipation is almost hurting but because the sensation is so intense you can't open your mouth, you can't even move. All you can do at this point is bargain with the higher being. Please God, if I can just get on the next flight, I will not have 7 beers in the next airport bar and miss my flight again, I won't even have 3 beers, actually if you get me on the next flight I will not even have one beer, I will go right to my gate and sit there.... I promise God.....)
Finally, she prints you off a boarding pass and says, "Yes, you are on the next flight, leaving at 2pm. And then all of a sudden, without stopping yourself, you do it...you ask the dumb question...you say "I got a flight?" Ah, I am so disappointed whenever I ask such a question so I am now conscious of what is happening and I challenge you to refrain from this hideus question yourselves. I promise you, you will feel much better about yourself if you do not ask the dumb question that Jeff Foxworthy makes a living off of...Here's your sign... Still frantic, you look around..and dig yourself deeper by asking, what sign? YOUR FUCKING BOARDING PASS, you idiot! Anyway, I think their poker face is amazing but what I can't figure out is if they teach them that or if that is just something they have to bring to the table as an applicant. Can't you imagine what their interview is like, "So, how would your friends describe your best poker face?" "Give me a situation that you experienced where your best poker face was successful? Because we all have them, "Tell me one weakness in your poker face?"
I'm out,
The most productive unemployed person their is, AK
Who loves pay at the pump? I love pay at the pump, I remember the day it was first invented and since then I utilize it almost exclusively. But pay at the pump is changing, and I don't like it. It used to be just that, you pay at the pump and your on your way. Today, it's more like answer 10 questions, then pay at the pump, then answer more questions and then go. Maybe I am exaggerating and it's only a few questions but the screen takes so long to recognize your answer that it is so annoying to me. For example now they all ask, "Do you want a car wash?" UM NO.."Do you want to use debit or credit?" I hate this question most because I'll always push debit and it will say something like "option not available, accepting only credit." Hey listen you stupid machine, I didn't create the "options," you offered them and I choose one..sorry my bad..lets start over. "Do you want a car wash?" Credit or Debit? Would you like a receipt? Perhaps you are hungry and would like to try our new $0.99 Taquitos? Made fresh daily. NOOO, I would like to pump and go......like you FUCKING advertise! I am sorry, but this annoys me.
Another annoying thing is I just signed up for a new credit card with Bank of America. The initial process was easy, I even filled out one of those comment cards because I was so impressed. Since getting the card in the mail, a representative calls me almost everyday with new "offers" and rewards that I am eligible for. After I deny all of them, she goes on to tell me that I am taking huge risk without signing up for the fraud protection plan. She says, "I am very vulnerable to being a victim of credit card theft, even saying that without signing up for this fraud protection plan, I will have no support for when my credit card gets stolen." Ok, lady, back up...do you know how dumb you sound? You are telling me that you are going to charge me $6.99/month and that will protect me from being responsible for any charges that I don't make? Hm, see lady I don't have any "fraud protection plan now" but if I noticed a charge on my card that I didn't make, I wouldn't pay it---because thats in my contract and its free. She say's, "So your willing to give up everything to save $6.99/month? I sit and I think about this and can't help but be weirded out. I think about all the people I see who are homeless and/ or really poor and whenever I ask them why they are poor or homeless, I have never once heard "because my credit card was stolen and I didn't spend the $6.99/month so I lost everything. Have you ever heard that? NO...have you heard someone say, "I had just enough money saved for my kids to go to college and then my credit card was stolen and now I have nothing..yeah, nothing just this card board sign and 2 packs of Bronson Lights." "Yup, I was on my way to purchase a swagger wagon when my I noticed my credit card was missing, by the time I called the credit card company, they said I had nothing, and when I got home 12 minutes later, the house was completely empty, and a note hung from the door "You should have spent $6.99/month because your credit card was stolen, we repossessed all of your things and will bull-doze your home at 1600. Needless to say I did not sign up for the fraud plan and would consider calling verizon to change my number if I felt like dealing with them and their automated messages.
Oh and just one more thought..this doesn't really bother me, it is just a fantastic observation I have made. When we think of the "poker face" and how powerful it is, we often think of professional poker players and perhaps some great game show host right? Well I want to offer another population that has, in my opinion, the "best" poker face. Airline flight personel...you know those people that you run to, sweating, and almost in tears...you finally get it out that you missed your flight and are looking to get on the next one. They say a few words, maybe, but mostly just stare at their screen and press buttons. They never make a sound like "eh, um, let's see," They never make even a slight facial expression of either hope or despair. You stand less than 3 feet away from them and cannot, despite your best effort, figure out what they see on that screen or if you will get on another flight. They keep pressing buttons and you keep standing there, tempted to ask something like, "so watcha thinking about," but you don't. You stand there and the anticipation is almost hurting but because the sensation is so intense you can't open your mouth, you can't even move. All you can do at this point is bargain with the higher being. Please God, if I can just get on the next flight, I will not have 7 beers in the next airport bar and miss my flight again, I won't even have 3 beers, actually if you get me on the next flight I will not even have one beer, I will go right to my gate and sit there.... I promise God.....)
Finally, she prints you off a boarding pass and says, "Yes, you are on the next flight, leaving at 2pm. And then all of a sudden, without stopping yourself, you do it...you ask the dumb question...you say "I got a flight?" Ah, I am so disappointed whenever I ask such a question so I am now conscious of what is happening and I challenge you to refrain from this hideus question yourselves. I promise you, you will feel much better about yourself if you do not ask the dumb question that Jeff Foxworthy makes a living off of...Here's your sign... Still frantic, you look around..and dig yourself deeper by asking, what sign? YOUR FUCKING BOARDING PASS, you idiot! Anyway, I think their poker face is amazing but what I can't figure out is if they teach them that or if that is just something they have to bring to the table as an applicant. Can't you imagine what their interview is like, "So, how would your friends describe your best poker face?" "Give me a situation that you experienced where your best poker face was successful? Because we all have them, "Tell me one weakness in your poker face?"
I'm out,
The most productive unemployed person their is, AK
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A shout out to my mom, literally....
Yeah, so I just moved to NC from Iowa and things are going well. Well things are going. I am adjusting and all that jazz but I still think its hard for my parents which is evidenced by the numerous phone calls and the messages. You know though, I do love my parents, but oh my, one thing I find baffling is the voice messages my mom leaves me. Now, I should give you all a little history on my mom. My mom is just that a mom, a professional mom and she is sure nice enough but my God I will never understand her messages.
Her messages are so annoying that it is almost worth answering the phone...yeah, its that bad. And what I don't get, most of all, is why she does this. I have learned not to even listen them and she asks why. Truth is, I can't listen to them most of the time. The messages are so long that I not only need a full battery to listen to the whole thing but I need to be in that perfect 4x4 area that receives a perfect signal. Also I don't listen to them because her messages have no objective. They are defined by at least 20 pointless sentences and inspired by no importance.
Now I do love my mom, like I said she is a nice enough lady, one couldn't hate her. But please, let me entertain you with an example of one message she left the other day and I did listen to.
First of all, she always starts the message with the sound of her yawning. I don't get that. It could be 6am, 2pm, or 10pm and I always get her yawning. ("AHHH ahh, uhh, ahh") Hi Ang this is mom, just was thinking about you. (Hard for me to believe, sounds more like she was just thinking about going to bed and wanted to get her word count in for the day and choose me as the victim)
It's about 2 pm our time, which I guess is about 3pm your time. Your probably out doing something but I'm just here thinking about you. (Ok,mom I appreciate the lesson on central time versus eastern time but come on, once is enough...you do not have to provide me with such obvious information EVERY TIME you call, and no, actually, I am doing nothing. I heard my phone, saw it was you, and deliberately choose not not answer knowing you will leave me this 6 minute message)
I visited grandma this morning. She seems to be doing well, and asked about you, I told her that you were doing good and liking NC so far. She said that is great. I went to Hy-Vee today, bought a few groceries. (Yup, mom, thats about what one would expect when someone says that they were to a GROCERY STORE) Laura just left to see a movie. I am not sure what movie but she went with a few friends. Dad is just working downstairs. I read a great book on the deck this morning. I think you would like it. Oh dang, now I can't remember what it was called. Let me look here and find it. I know just right where I left it. Ok, lets see here, not in the kitchen, well maybe I left it in my bedroom, hm, no not in my room, well dang, it was great and I know you would like it. (OK, now do you see what I mean? She doesn't leave messages, she leaves a detailed step by step of what she did/is doing. I mean I literally walked through the house with her looking for this great book that she does not remember the title of. I don't mind my mom calling, I know she cares about me, but come on, don't drag me through the day. Have some sort of objective or goal for your message)
Dang, that just makes me so mad about that book. Dad must have picked it up when he cleaned the kitchen after making chicken. (NO, dad did not touch your stupid book...see, now at this point I am getting annoyed with her message but am to invested to hang up now, knowing that if I don't listen through the whole thing and delete it, it will stay on my phone and when I want to listen to an important message, I will have to listen to this 6 min. pointless message ALL.....OVER.....AGAIN)
The chicken was very good. Not over done, just perfect. We had a salad and baked potato with it, which was all very good. You would have liked it. Well maybe you wouldn't have liked the salad because we had mushrooms on it, but you could have picked the mushrooms off if you wanted I suppose. (Great info. mom, why did you call again? OH, your getting the the point? Yes? Maybe? PLEASE GOD)
"AHH, YAAA, AHH" (yawning again) Well I better let you go now (YA THINK?, I'm exhausted now too). Just give us a call whenever you get a chance. We'll be looking forward to when you visit. Ok, love ya. Bye...(SWEET press 7 delete!) .....Oh one more thing babe (Knew it wasn't over...I JUST KNEW IT) I am just up here in the family room trying to find my show. (WHAT SHOW, I am thinking)...Ok, hmm...I thought it was on channel 8 but its not..maybe 13, let me see here. Hm..it must not be on tonight, thats a bummer. Well alright, bye Ang, love ya. DONE. IT's OVER. and it is at this point that I promise myself that from now on, I will answer the phone every time she calls to avoid this.....And I remain firm on my promise....UNTIL she calls again.
Ha, it is true though, I love my mom but also thought this was perfect "blog material"
ak
Friday, July 9, 2010
Confidence, a ten letter word learned in elementary school
I did not know how important this question would become to me, or how important it would be in my quest to make the world better, but after reading a book title "Journey of Mankind" by Stephen Oppenheimer I learned how important this would be and it offered my first big break, it validated that the question was important. Through the Journey of Mankind you learn the danger of when like species grow apart and adopt new attitudes. The reason behind this danger is competition and goal division. Furthermore when such a division, or range, of people coexist, the ability to control a population and "govern" a population is much more difficult, and even impossible. This is true today. It is impossible to control the population today. But why did this happen? And can we get back to creating common goals for people to live by? This happened naturally millions of years ago. It happened because when human life first developed, resources were scarce and it was truly "survival of the fittest." Humans set up human traps, competed for food, water, and survival. I can only imagine our first ancestors saying "Geeze, if there was just more berries and food, we could all get along. Today we have all of that, yet we do not all get along. WHY?
Now that my question was validated, I could move forward. I have this question on the top of every page in a notebook and have several ideas being influenced by experiences, literature, and the evolution of my own mind. My theory always was based on the idea that people must have been raised differently than me but to what extent I would have never imagined.
I had an AH HA moment this past week. My nephew, Judah, was born and my mind just happened to wander through the entire course of Emily and Jared's pregnancy and then the pregnancy that my own mom had with me and each of her kids. Then the pregnancies of many other people and a huge pattern was developed and I believe I have another huge lead in answering my initial question. Why is there such a range of attitudes and believes in people today?
This world can be sad if you let it. There is enough justification for any single one human to feel an "impending doom" sensation and to give up. There is evil and bad things happen. There is violence, hate, crime, and regardless of who you are, you are guaranteed to feel the affects of this at some point in your life. You will fail at least once, you will be hurt, you will be sad, you will be made fun of, ignored, judged, laid out, and challenged and these events don't make you special. Being made fun, hurt, or affected by hate and crime don't make you unique, it just makes you human. Despite the fact that your parents always told you that they never wanted to see you hurt or sad, they brought you into this world knowing that you would be. Emily and Jared knew before they got pregnant that despite how cute he is at birth, that he will face challenges throughout his life. He will fail, he will be made fun of, ignored, and judged, but they still wanted him.
Watching Emily prepare for the baby and grow more and more excited with each appointment, and with the passing of each uncomplicated day was joyful. I could, by no means, relate to how awesome it must be to have a baby grow inside of you, but I could feed off of the joy that I saw it bring her, Jared, and the rest of the family. Emily not only accepted the uncomfortable reality of having a baby inside her, but she embraced it. What a gift that is to a child, for someone to embrace you, before you were even viable. What a gift it is for a child to know that their parents accepted the world as it is and choose to bring you into it anyway. What a gift it is to come home to a place that is so prepared for you. How empowering it is for a child to know the you were worth the cost, you were worth the pain, you were worth every one of the five onzies that you soiled in one day. Mostly, how else can someone show you how much they believe in you than to willingly bring you into this world where evil is present, where bad things happen, where you will face challenges, failures, heartache, and self-doubt and believe you can meet these challenges? Emily and Jared have already given that baby the greatest gift, a gift that without, he would be nothing, confidence.
Confidence, a ten letter word learned in elementary school, but without it, you have nothing. You will not live the way I live, you will not experience the success I do. You will not have meaningful relationships instead you will be what I fear. You will commit crimes, you will judge, you will bully, you will try to take me out, you will represent the evil in the world.
It is coming together now. Preparing for the life of a new being is the BEST way to offer the world "another one for the good guys." But how many people, how many babies are born without that? So many. So many. So many evidenced by crime, overcrowded prisons, serial killers, rapist, and hatred and victims of self abuse and domestic abuse. These people don't have confidence because if they did they wouldn't feel the sensation of "impending doom," they wouldn't rely on hurting others for personal gain. They wouldn't commit hate crimes.
I think America is taking the wrong approach and not being proactive enough in regards to screening each parent before they take that baby home. We think that it will just magically grow up and be successful? How are we going to just give out the monetary needs to these people who did not prepare for their child and expect that child to be something better? I used to think that if I could talk to high school and college kids I could persuade them to work hard and be productive, I used to think that if we gave people opportunities, they would take them and grow but this isn't true. We, America, offer food stamps, education, diapers, clothes, and toys which are all ok but until we give our children the confidence to succeed, they won't and the huge range of people will continue to exist and continue to worsen the strength of this world.
I could go on forever, but trying to organize my thoughts now seem to be difficult. I just think that this whole confidence thing is so important because it is inevitable that we will face challenges but what do we do with those challenges? What do we start with? What can we always go back to? What is undebatable? For me, I faced many challenges growing up, and when self doubt entered my head, I had a counter attack, I had confidence. I could say that I know, no matter what I do and what happens, that I have at least two people who believed in me before I was viable. I know that I am Angela Kinney and I am here today. I think if each people had just that, we would be in much, much better shape and perhaps then, we could work on getting them toys, and other extra things.
AK
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