Monsanto and Tyson merge

Simple Onion

Today Monsanto, a U.S.-based multinational agricultural biotechnology corporation, declares its agreement with Tyson Foods, the world's largest processors and marketers of chicken, beef and pork.

The merge comes after an extensive three day study with one of Monsantos newest breed of seeds. They found that the new seed actually biochemically altered the genetic makeup of several chickens at one of Tyson's chicken farms. The seed specifically alters the chicken's heart--so much that they believe that the chicken's heart can be successfully transplanted into a human body.

Monsanto's general manager sits with us and states,"this is great news, a true revolution, a changing day in America." The three day study was so signficant that the FDA did not have to do any further research to approve the use of these chicken's hearts for human transplants.

A member of the FDA comments that, "It would be stupid to delay patient care by performing more research, plus it would cost a lot of money and it is possible with enough research, it would be determined that this would not save the lives of humans, and it would instead kill them. I mean face it, if you fight a good thing long enough, it could become bad and well I just don't think that is necessary. Plus, besides my responsibilities at FDA, I am also the president of Monsanto and I believe in the product and the research that has already been done."

It is expected that heart transplants could begin immediately, as soon as next week. To warn off speculation and concern, the citizens of the United States should know that extensive training will be offered to any and all surgeons before they are allowed to complete a transplant. Americans should be comforted that this training will consist of at one four hour online course and surgeons will not considered certified or competent until they complete the ten question multiple choice exam at the end of the presentation.

I caught up with one patient who has been on a heart transplant list for 17 hours and expected to die if he does not receive a heart within the next two days. His wife spoke for him. "I admit, I was a little skeptical at first but after hearing that the surgeons will have to take a training course and pass an exam certaintly erased all fear. I just want my husband back so when the story broke, I immediately contacted my husband's cardiologist and told him the story. He was immediately interested. Within minutes he was in my husband's room talking about the procedure. He is so dedicated, such a wonderful doctor and man. He said he would have to review the course and pass the exam before they would send him the chicken heart. Being the dedicated doctor he is, he immediately pulled his iPhone out and downloaded the course. Within minutes he was done and the chicken heart was on his way. Such a brilliant man, they said it would take hours. I asked him how he could read so fast, thinking he must have learned that in medical school. He said with a gentle smile, oh i'll never forget that smile, he downloaded the Monsanto App that would allow him to skip the course and only answer one question...this really allowed me to see how passionate this doctor was and how he really cared about saving my husband."

A Tyson rep humbly tells that us the original mission of Tyson was to offer poor people the opportunity to eat meat like the rich people. Now, we just keep growing and we can now offer poor people a heart transplant. This really does not go without a lot of hard work and dedication, I'm so proud of the industry and Monsantos willingness to bargain with us.

The official deal between Monsanto and Tyson is not all worked out yet but it will probably include an exchange of Tyson's new honey bar-b-qued wings. Neither part are concerned with the deal though, they are both just concerned with overtaking America's economy and being the only two companies in the world..."That would be awesome," the president of Monsanto tell us.