Healthcare hopeful goes "geek"

The Onion-peeled. REPORT: Healthcare hopeful goes "geek"


Durham, NC--- 23 y/o Angela Kinney, a once inspired nurse now gains national attention doing something she would have never imagined just one year ago. Kinney, whose name was only familiar to a few people outside of her hometown, Des Moines, Iowa, is now a global hero.


After months of attempting to land gainful employment in the healthcare field and no prevail Kinney remembers feeling embarrassed and humbled. "That sounds good but the truth is, I didn't feel anything. I got all doped up, watched TV and ate PB&J three times a day." Just a regular gal with an extraordinary talent.


"The day started like every other day. I woke up, showered, ate breakfast--" Excuse me, can I stop you here? I am just dying to know what a prodigy like you eats for breakfast. There is so much advertising for the best "brain" foods for breakfast. I am sure you know all about the 8 layers and cage-free organic Eggland's best? "Yeah, I have heard of those things, I prefer vodka and skittles." You mean you do the work you do without using the 8 layers? Amazing.


---"After breakfast I went to the library to read a few articles and print some things off. I attempted to open the files on my USB device and the dumb thing would not work." Uh huh, go on... "I was pissed off, I finally got it to work for seconds at a time by positioning it very strategically. I retrieved a few documents, but not all. Being mindful of my recent luck, I did not want to take any chances so I took it to best Best Buy and the geek squad. The gentleman took two butter knifes and a gavel to my USB device, shook his head twice, removed the pencil from behind his ear, scratched his neck, shifted his weight, smiled and said that it was unrepairable."

That must have been so hard. "It was, it was, but it also gave me hope....hope for employment...hope for gainful employment." Do tell...."Well I went across the street to Wal-Mart, walked straight to electronics stole 10 USB devices, PS3, a lap top, 6 iPods, and 4 Garmins. When I got home with the electronics. I set up shop. Oh I forgot a step, I paid the old man greeter $1.50 for his sweet royal blue vest then I went home. Put on the vest and some khakis and jammed out to Papa Roach- "Last Resort," and began working.


First, I made sure that all of the devices worked initially then just one by one I started destroying them---Within 5 hours I had destroyed every electronic that I stole from Wal-Mart and within a day I destroyed every electronic that I could get my hands on. Each destruction was strategic, purposeful, and awesome." You must have felt really empowered? "Oh, I felt more than empowered, I felt alive again, I felt a calling, I couldn't get enough of it....After my 52nd destruction I was convinced that I was the best. Still wearing my vest, I went to Best Buy equipped with my resume.....52 broken electronics. Without saying a word, we shook and that was it."


Kinney's boss tells us his recollection of his first encounter with Angela, "Well it was just very evident that she was far beyond anyone else. She is absolutely right, I did not have to say one word, I just saw her, saw her bag of broken electronics and knew she would be a great addition to our squad. We constantly get comments back about Angela and her dedication to her work. Let me read one of the comments that a client of her's left.

"Angela, geek squad, is by far the best. I brought in my brand new computer and just wanted assistance in installing a new software. Lo and behold she had my computer completely destroyed within minutes of me turning over most prized possession."

Tell me, did you have any hesitation in changing professions? "To be honest, yes. I am a natural leader, I always wanted to be the boss, to be the best, to have power and I worried about this profession giving me enough power to satisfy my needs. I overcame this fear when I realized that it was not just about destroying peoples expensive electronics, but it is more about destroying their life. I have the power to destroy a life time of hard work, a thesis paper due at midnight, and families only pictures of deceased relatives. It was only after I realized this that I knew this career change would be seamless. There is no greater power than being able to destroy these precious documents that are entrusted to me."

Is there a particular destruction that is most meaningful to you? "Not one in particular, they're all inspiring, but see I also have a fantastic ability to read my customers faces and judging a person's facial expression will usually indicate to me how meaningful the destruction will be. For example--I love college-age kids, I know their destruction will be powerful. When customers present to the counter sweating and frantic, those will be good too."

What is the hardest thing to destroy? "Well I am the best, I work for the most elite class of destroyers so there is nothing that me or my squad cannot destroy but some Apple products give us a run, but we ultimately destroy those as well.

There you have it folks. Standing live the worlds most decorated electronic destroyer.