Can not help it.

Hi, I apologize for my latest obsession with the Onion and trying to be as create as the real Onion writers--Reading the Onion everyday is one of only two things that still makes it worth living, the second of course being the collaborative effort of chips + dip.

Alright, feels good to be just me again after all this blog is supposed to be all about me. My latest fixation is human behavior. I have learned that the first step in changing any particular behavior is first acknowledging it. Per text, I should be able to identify my negative behaviors and change them...well I'll tell you what this is the dumbest theory I have ever heard and I believe that I have single-handedly disproven this theory. Because I am so evidence-based, I will offer my evidence that will show you that this theory is not accurate.

Zits/pimples/acne/gross stuff on my face---Something I wake up to everyday. Now I am not the "pimply kid," and I certainly do not employee "lunch lady" acne---oh come on, you know...the skin tags...on the neck? What? were ya'l home schooled or something? This phenomena-this growing creature on my face is my first evidence: See I know I should not pick, obsess, worry, touch, apply makeup on, manipulate in any way, cover my face in ketchup, put peanut butter on my zits, or even allow myself to think about what is growing on my face. I have listened to more than one late night informercial related to skin care and know very well that I should not do ANYTHING besides clean my face. Well, I have a secret--I am confident that since the evolution of acne on my face, I have never had a zit that I was able to resist touching at least one during its existence. I know the behavior is wrong--I know it makes it worse but I cannot change it. In fact, I feel like ever since acknowledging this behavior, I've gotten worse...I will touch it and know its wrong, then I will try to destroy all evidence of me touching it so i'll apply foundation, then I'll realize that makes me look even worse, so I scrub the foundation off, while taking the foundation off, I irritate the skin around it and now its itching...I know I shouldn't touch it--but i'm not stopping now..fuck it, i've already relapsed and plus i'm on a mission--to disprove a theory. I scratch, scratch, scratch...awesome....now i'm bleeding, yes bleeding. Mission accomplished....take take psychotherapist....another one of the UN-EM-ployyyed.

Toothpaste---behavior: refusing to buy toothpaste unless I have already suffered from at least 3 episodes of severe hand cramps related to getting the last drop of toothpaste out of the tube and onto the brush. There is no reason I should ever find myself in this situation but I do...every time...can't change.

Scabs/callus/blister--Again, never had one of these that I have been able to leave alone and let heal in the appropriate fashion. Neosporin and a bandaid?.... Maybe for a minute and usually not before I do my own investigation on the injury. Can't change...Know its bad, acknowledge it, and can't do nothing about it.

Q-tips--weapons of mass ear drum destruction? Buy them in balk and use them daily, sometimes twice.

Speeding while driving? Dangerous. Related in 89% of fatal accidents. I know I shouldn't do it but I ALWAYS do it, well I follow the ABC rule...always besides cops. Can't change. I know its bad. I acknowledge the negative behavior.


Help me disprove this theory...think of at least one thing that you do, that you know you shouldn't, but you can't help. You can leave a comment, I promise the comment button won't bite, cause bodily harm, or initiate a virus on your system so don't be scared.

simple ak